There might be a day when this is the ideal restaurant for you. If you are not very hungry, not in any kind of rush, and are working on improving your boredom threshold, that is the day to visit 1453 Ottoman. The 1453 in the name is probably a reference to the year that the table of people by the door ordered their meals.
Let's start with the positives. We didn't have to wait for a table; only a half-dozen other people were in the restaurant - probably because it was 11pm. Late-night dining is another positive. Smart decor - also positive; this place looks quite new. I found the floor rather slippery, so it seems their cleaning routine is to spread the grease into a neat and even layer instead of, you know, removing it. At least they clean. Another positive.
My colleague and I were craving kebabs after a late evening of slaving over keyboards, earning our rubles by pushing buttons in the right order. We ordered a hummus and a cheesy bread to start with, and a few minutes later, added an order of simple beef doners (one with chips, one with rice).
The time required in this almost-empty restaurant to dollop some hummus onto a plate, squirt it with oil, place a single slice of bread in a basket, and carry same to our table was rather in excess of 20 minutes. At this stage we were advised that the cheesy bread was finished for the day, but rather than risking growing long white beards while waiting for a substitute, we cancelled it.
The hummus was okay.
Having consumed it, we began the long, long wait for our doners. I am an expert at buying and consuming kebabs (and also fairly fat), and I generally expect a wait time of between 2 minutes (take-away rolls) and ten minutes (plated doners). That's the time elapsed after ordering, you understand, not after the starters arrive. A full forty minutes after ordering, my doner hoved into view. I have a theory that it had accidentally been left near some starving orphans or a powerful vacuum cleaner or that miniaturizing machine from the movie where they inject a submarine into someone's arteries, because there wasn't actually a lot of doner, or a lot of chips. It was appetizer-sized.
Ten minutes after that, my colleague's doner made an appearance. It was also a bijou kebab-ette.
We ate. And discussed how we should get a McDonalds on the way home.
Now - the food itself; were there any redeeming features? The beef was hard and cold. I expertly recognise this as doner that has been shaved off the big cylinder that looks like a fat lady's leg some considerable time before arriving on the plate. The chips... were sad, soggy little things. Eating them seemed like an act of euthanasia.
I forgot to mention that I had a "mint tea" as well. Or as it turned out, warm Listerine. It was brighter green than the sea water around Fukushima. I've had authentic Turkish mint tea, and this wasn't even close.
The final insult was the bill: HKD280 for all this. That's some damnably expensive teeny kebabs, right there.
It would actually have been quicker and cheaper to jump in a taxi to TST and eat at Istanbul Express. I don't think I'll be lifting the lid on this particular Ottoman again.
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